I am just so happy today..my springy walk, my silly talk, my euphoric smile...everything just screams aloud...SO VERY HAPPY TODAY...so i dig up hard in my jumbled up brain to find out why???
 Well i cant place it.. nothing really happened  in last 24 hrs or so, that would explain it...today is no holiday..i still need to clear up so much back log...work, studies everything is piled up..no no i dint do anything that will lighten up my bucket list..and hell no...my crush dint propose me..i dint even see him in last week!!
God the more i dissect and analyze the constitution of my happiness ...i start feeling sad about it, so i just stop raking my exhausted brains n leave for hospital...the moment i step out in the air, i know what it is!!!
The slight nip in the air makes me sing...it feels nice...after scorching hot summer n sweaty humid monsoon, it is just lovely when you step out in the morning n wanna scream your lungs out..Hey there sunshine, m going to seize the day ..head on!
 God Delhi is beautiful in September...i love the weather..n as always it never fails to have that effect on me:))

how do u go by when all your hopes are but spent...when every day you sense the failing is near by..when you know that the journey is hopeless, all efforts are in vain...purpose is lost and there is  no light ahead..the world  mocks your doings consistently......i wonder how do you??
   Yet i witness it every day in my ward..a middle aged couple from smll village of patna with a smll 3 n half mnth baby in hospital nw for three months..FT/AGA/nw withSEPTICEMIA with VENTRICULITIS ..MRI head showing multiple abscesses in frontal and temporal lobe...on iv abx 10 wks..intravent genta for 4 wks nw... poor prognosis...likely to have multiple residual effects if survives. Their two other children r left in village for three months now ..they have spent almost all of there lifetimes earnings..living life arnd a smll hospital bed of their baby..resisting the menace of shouting irritated staff nurses ..their life goes on.  Parents r aware about the chances...but still even after multiple prognostications i see the hope in mothers eyes never fades..her will seems stronger everyday..n i wonder what really gives her strength.. how can she be so resolute when she sees clearly the reality...what drives her life when there are no joys left..how does she cope up!!! is it because she is under some delusion that it is just a bad dream and they will come out of it unscathed..untouched... or its because she thinks it is her fate and she is bound to it no matter what it takes she has to follow it..no matter what it is.. it reminds me every day that ' Hope springs are eternal in human heart and no evil cn touch them' no matter how dark it is tonight the dawn will always break in..there always will be light in the end..after all what we go through now and then  somehow everything will come to an end ...

hope....

a ten year old boy frm lower midl cls..in hospital fr more dan 2 mnths nw..fuc of orbital cellulitis with temporal lobe abcess..nw  with persistent fever.. bma reported few atypicl cells ..biopsy was dne fr frder diagnosis..its been 5 days since n final report hs nt cm yet.pathologist says "provisional  AML....oh no no its reactive nt d tumor... oh wait cnt b figured out nw, let us stain fr tumor markers den only we'l tell u d final report...it still  cn b AML" ...days goes by n i see d lil kid in diff light every day..smtimes with pain , hpelessness...den with joy..agn cnfusion.. n irrespective of wats happening arnd i find him just d same everyday..smiles d same way wen i go fr daily notes..turns his head in shy manner wen i say hello..n cries sheepishly wen i put ivs n take out samples..he doesnt seem to care wen all d docs surround him during rounds n discuss abt his future..its lyk wat he is n what he wil be go on parallel n i cnt cnnect d lines..cnt put dem toghether....  final report will cme tdy ..m really praying  dat our dear pahologists provisional report was messd up..my consultants anticipation ws rubbish n it ws nthing bt reactive pathology n d boy wil go hme afta  1 mre week f iv antibiotics and wil nt  bear d lyf lng burdn of cancer :))

hope...

                       Still round the corner there may wait
                       A new road or a secret gate,
                       And though we pass them today,
                       Tomorrow we may come this way
                       And take the hidden paths that run
                       Towards the moon or to the sun.

...as a child i wanted to be so many things...i still wanna do but as a grown up i see limits of possibilities all the time. When the journey began there were infinite roads ahead of me..all the new things i came across were new possibilities for me, they filled me with utter joy and silly imaginations of what life can be!
       As life demands i kept on making choices and every choice i made meant shutting down some of the most beautiful roads...forever...and there are no u turns if i wanted to reconsider something..the moments are lost, never to come back again.. no, not in this life.
      So at 25, when one quarter of it already gone..when paths already so narrowed down that i can almost see straight ahead... m hoping.. no this is not the truth that m seeing.. instead its just a phase when my vision is slightly blurred..may be the road seems straight cuz i cnt see far ahead..m waiting for crossroads, which will change my direction..will lead to many roads..many choices again.
      As a medicine student when five n half yrs already gone in to it..and many more to go..the following lines echoes my heart so very well..
             The road goes ever on and on
                Down from the door where it began.
           Now far ahead the road has gone,
             And i must follow it if i can,
         Pursuing it with eager feet,
            Until it joins some larger way
       where many paths and errands meet.
          And wither then? I cannot say.